I have lost confidence in myself and doubt my own judgement. How can I rebuild it?
This is a common question from my clients, and it can be a tough one because, hey, what on earth is confidence anyway? What it means for me will be quite different to what it means for you.
Well, the good news is that confidence isn’t random — there is a pattern to the traits that work together to generate it. These come up time and time again. Even better news is that you can easily identify which one you may need to work on.
So what are they?
Courage. Consistency. Composure.
Grinding my way up the col l"Aubisque
It was a particular encounter this summer that made me realise that these elements alternate. They come and go in a confidence cycle. And given that I love a pun, you will appreciate my joy in reporting that this lightbulb moment happened whilst riding my bike.
As I rolled sweat-soaked and dehydrated into the first of 10 checkpoints on a 4,400 km race in late June, I felt both relief and euphoria. It was day two and I already had 400 km and 20 hours of riding time under my belt. Checkpoints were to be unmanned, so I was surprised and delighted to see the race director there with his camera. It had only been two days since we started, but the searing heat meant it had already felt like a week. With only a handful of riders on the start line, human contact had been minimal, so the shared moment gave me a real boost.
Ultra racing is all about reducing stoppage time. So after a quick exchange about dynamo lights (yes, really), I took the obligatory proof-of-checkpoint-selfie, rearranged my already-chafing shorts, and got ready to go. And then he hit me:
You stopped early yesterday.
I say hit because the effect on me was more like a physical blow.
Shame surged first, followed by anger and then a tsunami of imposter-type feelings. You’re the worst rider. You’re not good, strong, or brave enough. You shouldn’t be here.
My smile froze as my mind raced to process the internal conflict: do not show him what you are feeling.
He wasn’t being malicious; in an ultra-riding context, he was right. I’d been on the road for 15 hours that day, but there were still two hours of daylight left when I stopped. Some riders don’t get out of bed for less than 400 km and 22-hour days.
It was the casual yet crushing observation of someone with no knowledge of my plan, my prior experience, or my capabilities. But the thing was, I DID have a plan. A plan which got me 3,200 km through the race before the heatwave finally did for me, as it had done for all but seven finishers. And when I look back at it, that plan boiled down to: courage, consistency and composure.
But boy, those throw-away words from the race director, who KNOWS about these things, really shook me.
As I pedalled onwards, I felt deflated and judged. I allowed myself an out-of-earshot rant, and then a bit of a wallow. I might have even had a little sob. Ultra-riding gives you oodles of time to reflect, but reflection can turn to rumination if you let it. So this is where I really needed the third C - composure. I knew that I could not afford to waste a load of emotional energy debating whether I should be in this race. I was already in it. Courage and consistency had got me to the start line. Composure was what I now needed.
Distancing yourself from your thoughts is extremely helpful for emotional regulation. His words did not MAKE me feel certain things, it was the thoughts I had about those words that generated the negative emotions.
Armed with this, I could use other tricks to winkle me out of wallowing. One of my favourites is values alignment — remembering what really matters to you, and using it to draw your attention away from the thing that’s bothering you, and to introduce perspective.
Not long after our exchange the sun started to set.
A large part of the reason for riding — and putting up with some of the more miserable elements of endurance sport — is for moments like these. If I had still been dwelling on the earlier comment, there’s no way I would have been able to pause, breathe, and savour this stunning sunset. It allowed me to shift perspective, and to revel instead in the flood of positive emotions triggered for me by beauty in nature.
Dealing with this stuff when you have time to reflect out of the office is all very well, but how does the confidence cycle work when your colleague is doing all they can to stick a spoke in your wheel?
We’ve all had the passive-aggressive observation about our line-management approach which hints at some fatal flaw. Or a helpful colleague’s suggestion that we do something differently, just when we thought we had it dialled. This is when doubt creeps in, we question our judgement, and our confidence can ebb.
When this happens, pause, take a breath, and remember that confidence is not a permanent state. It fluctuates. Try and think of it as a cycle - with component parts that can be strengthened and deployed as needed.
Courage helps us to take a first step when we are unsure.
Consistency keeps us moving forward and reinforces our courage.
Composure helps us to weather the blows and keep the cycle going.
A practical exercise to build strength in whichever of these three you feel is weaker, is to pick a recent moment when your confidence dipped; work out which C — courage, consistency, or composure — was missing; and then take small, deliberate steps to strengthen that area.
I’ve included an expanded version of this exercise in November’s Gripped worksheet, alongside some more ideas and resources to build your own confidence and that of others too.
