If Punch the macaque has not yet swung across your screen, you have either been living in a cave or watching too much late-night ice dancing. This rejected baby monkey, who formed a bond with a soft toy in lieu of his mother, has created a run on IKEA monkeys, generated some memorable memes, and triggered a seemingly global outpouring of empathy.
Image credit: Ichikawa City Zoo. This image has been widely shared across social media.
What fascinates me about this story is not only the power of social media to connect people to animals—my own timeline of cat and dog videos bears shameful testament to that—but also the strength of my emotional response. It only took one brief clip of Punch cowering under his ersatz teddy-bear-mother to get me blubbing into my morning coffee.
That Punch is so tiny and baby-like clearly helps with connection; the roots of caregiving run deep. From an evolutionary perspective, the ability to respond to the vulnerability of an infant triggers our innate processes for caregiving - our empathic concern. And because our reward systems are activated by baby-like features - a reason why we find wide-eyed seal pups so pleasing - we release neurochemicals like oxytocin. This hormonal response makes us feel good, and further reinforces the desire to protect and nurture, and so the cycle repeats.
Empathy is a crucial skill for today’s leaders, and yet frankly it can feel much easier to empathise with a distant monkey than with a colleague next door. Especially when we’re all busy and stressed.
There are some misconceptions about empathy that I think can make us pull back - particularly in a work context. If we can recognise and overcome these, we can be more empathetic leaders and create deeper connections.
Unfortunately all colleagues aren’t as sweet as Punch, so we’d be hard-pressed to rely on our innate caregiving skills to muster compassion. But there are some easy ways to show empathy without feeling either that we are being disingenuous, or that we risk being dragged into uncomfortable terrain. Or both.
Understanding Empathy
Empathy is a complex emotional skill. In psychological terms, it is generally accepted as having two elements: cognitive empathy and affective empathy. Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand (intellectually) another person's perspective or thoughts. Affective empathy is the capacity to feel what someone else is feeling—actively sharing in their joy or distress.
A misheld belief about empathy is that we either have it or we don’t, that it cannot be learned or developed. The fact that it is most needed when someone else is suffering can make it feel even more inaccessible. I mean, why would you stumble into something that feels emotionally complex by being empathetic, when you can instead offer an obvious (to you) solution and avoid navigating the whole awkward scene?
Another thing that might stop us showing empathy, especially at work, is the fear of it leading us to being “dragged in” to something deeper. This does not have to be the case - ultimately it’s up to you how far you involve yourself by setting appropriate boundaries - but with practise, you can communicate empathy in a way which also puts a person in charge of their own solutions.
The Role of Communication in Empathy
The importance of communication in empathy was brought home to me in a recent coaching session. Ben and I were discussing how he felt about his deteriorating relationship with a colleague worried about a big projet. He was concerned about her increasing levels of stress. He had tried laying out solutions for her; reassuring her that things would be okay; and asking her what he could do to help. But she was growing increasingly frustrated—with work, and with him too.
In our discussion, we identified that, while Ben had tried various positive approaches and clearly felt concerned enough to have a coaching session on the subject, he had probably not conveyed empathy. Ben’s response was:
I can’t show empathy because I really can’t feel what it would be like to be in her shoes, and I don’t want to lie about that.
Bingo! A cartoon-style light bulb lit up above my head: if showing empathy requires us to actually feel what it would be like for someone, and we can’t feel that, why would we pretend to do so?
But this perspective is only half of the picture. Yes, empathy is something you can think AND feel. But you don’t need to write yourself off just because you struggle to access affective empathy. The cognitive bit still counts—especially if you actively communicate it.
Practical Steps for Communicating Empathy
The “skills” of empathy can be broken down as follows:
The ability to see another’s perspective
Remaining non-judgmental
Recognising emotion in others
Communicating that recognition
Most of us can intellectually recognise someone’s perspective and acknowledge it as true for that person without having to agree with it. Sometimes we’re tempted to jump in and offer solutions, but as generous and helpful as it seems, it doesn’t show someone that you have seen and heard them. What achieves this is:
Recognising their perspective without judgment, acknowledging that they are feeling something, and then communicating this to them.
So Ben could have said something like: I can see you are upset and feeling anxious about the future. That must be really hard, and I am sorry that you are feeling like that.
If that wording feels weird or stilted to you, find your own alternative that is genuine. and then practise it so that you have it ready when things are emotionally-charged.
To help someone further, you can add, “What do you need?” They may not even know yet, but this will help them develop self-efficacy - the ability to solve things for themself - and allow them to ask for the kind of help that will truly benefit them.
For further tools, reading and an empathy test, take a look at this month’s worksheet.
As for the plight of Punch, of course we are experiencing empathy for him! His story resonates because it mirrors human experience of loss, rejection, and the desire for connection - all handily set in the stark dystopia of a concrete, chain-strewn zoo. The theme of maternal loss is particularly poignant for me, so perhaps it’s unsurprising that I cried so readily at this pitiful primate. And of course, social media has done a brilliant job of anthropomorphising him - giving him every last attribute required to ensure our heart-strings are well and truly yanked.
Heartrending animal stories may make empathy easier to access, but we should practise it in real life too. In a world increasingly governed by algorithmic logic and predictive efficiency, as this Forbes article points out, it’s our nonlinear capacities—empathy, creativity, and moral imagination—that become most valuable.
So the next time you see that someone is suffering – don’t sidestep the interaction - embrace it. You don’t need to feel what they are feeling, or understand why they are feeling it, just focus on telling them that you see their perspective, understand that this is hard for them, and then ask them what they need. You’ll be surprised how much this will help them.
Punch finally being embraced.
Image credit: Ichikawa City Zoo. This image has been widely shared across social media.
